Self-Realization

I am THAT mom. And by that I mean that mom that screams at their child from the sidelines of whatever sport they're playing. That mom that expects their child sit still through a sermon when the pastor announces there will be no children's church that Sunday. That mom that expects PERFECTION from their child...while she, herself, fails miserably every day.

When I got the letter saying Isaac scored high enough to start testing for the gifted program, I just knew it was a slam dunk. I mean, of COURSE my child was gifted. So when the counsellor called today to tell me he didn't qualify, I'm pretty sure my voice took on a tone of defiance. But what was even worse, was that I began questioning what he had done wrong...he knows better, he could have done better, was he applying himself...all these things I thought about my 1st grader. Who does that? What kind of mother puts that pressure on a 7 year old?

The counsellor began to explain that it was his math score, and while high - just wasn't high enough. "But, Jillian, Isaac's reading scores were amazing." Yes, I know. Of course I know. Just like I know he could have done better in math. What is wrong with me? How do I differentiate between wanting my child to succeed to his full potential, and putting too much pressure on him that he begins to withdraw?

I look at him - when he fixes his own lunch everyday for school, when he puts away all his and Milo's folded clothes, when he makes his own DINNER and Milo's, too, when he puts the dog in her kennel every morning before we leave for school, when he lets her out every night when we return home. How is it that I want more?

I am so humbled that God has given me a child who sees me through forgiving eyes, who loves me with an open heart, who knows me with a discerning mind...because I am his mom. He, who is 7 years old, knows that I will fail...he knows that I will act like a crazy, that I will always say I'm sorry, that I will always admit to my faults. He knows this, and expects nothing more from me.